How A Conversation in Kickboxing Shook My Confidence

How A Conversation in Kickboxing Shook My Confidence

*I shared the beginning of this story in an Instagram post, but I have more to say on the matter. And many asked how I handled the situation when I was asked this question. I’m going to touch on that down below.*

About a month ago, an instructor at the kickboxing class I go to asked me something that I just can’t shake.⁣
They came up to me after class and asked if they wrote me a meal plan if I would do it.⁣

Keep in mind I never told them:⁣

-I wanted a meal plan⁣
-I wanted to lose weight⁣
-I wanted help with my eating⁣
-My history of body image and food issues⁣
-Or why I even went to kickboxing⁣⁣

But they asked me this and proceeded to say that I work so hard in class and I have such great muscles, and it would be so awesome to see them pop.⁣

Now I honestly don’t think they had any ill intent. But the problem is that they have no idea what my history or my current goals were when they asked me this question.⁣

If this was a several years ago when I was trying to actively lose weight - I would have jumped at the opportunity and greatly appreciated it.⁣

But that’s not where I’m at right now.⁣

And I think the big problem in the “health/fitness” world is making the assumption that everyone is in that place.⁣

Working out is good for your physical, mental, and emotional health.⁣

And a goal of weight loss is not required to be tied to it.⁣⁣

And while deep down I know this. I can’t shake what they said. Because every time I go now, I catch my reflection in the mirror and see what they must think of my overweight body - and it hurts.⁣

Recovering from bad body image and food issues isn’t a linear path.⁣

Sometimes you hit some major bumps in the road that knock you a little off course.⁣

But as long as you come back to yourself, and what truly is best for YOU - that is what truly matters.

So how did I react when this happened?

Honestly, I’m not exactly proud of how I handled it. I wish I would have felt more confident in that moment. I wish I had stuck up for myself more and shared with them how it truly made me feel.

What I did was share my story with them; I explained how I had been much larger than I am now, and that I also had been much smaller than I am as well. I told them how I suffered from body image issues and obsessive behaviors with counting macros and food in general. I shared how I am currently just doing my best to feel better, and to take care of myself. How I was working out to move my body and to feel good. I talked about how I was in the process of healing my relationship with food and how the idea of a meal plan or tracking gave me immense anxiety. This conversation actually brought me to tears. We discussed food and what their meal plan entails (mainly to confirm that it would make me utterly miserable, which is why I wasn’t doing one in the first place). 

They said that you never know what people go through which made me feel that they truly make assumptions of people based on how they look which hurt me. But hopefully this gave them a much needed new perspective.

I’ve gone back to the class several times and each time I give myself a pep talk; “You’re fine. You’re here for you. What they think of you doesn’t matter. Just go in and give your best”.

It simply hasn’t been that easy unfortunately. I’m generally a confident person. I can show up as I am with little shame. But I find myself curling into a past self. A weaker less confident me of who I used to be. One that is so afraid of judgement and almost child-like in nature. I don’t like being that version of myself and I am in the process of figuring out how I can step out of it.

Since I know I will be asked - I have continued to go to this kickboxing studio because I genuinely love the workout. We don’t have many options in the area and this place is affordable with good class times. If I stopped going there I wouldn’t likely be able to supplement it with any other kickboxing, which is why I continue to keep trying to make it work.

Time will tell if I can come back from this and become truly comfortable in that environment or not.

The instructor hasn’t brought it up again but has chatted with me with various other small chat topics.

I keep wanting to bring up with them how it truly made me feel to give them insight for the future. To hopefully avoid them making someone else feel the same way. But I haven’t been able to make it happen yet.

I am a deep down people pleaser and confrontation avoider. But I think it is something that I will need to do to move past this. Stay tuned for that.

Thanks for reading and for being supportive and amazing.
If something similar has happened to you, I would love to hear about it in the comments.